July 5, 2008

What's In The Bag?

Hey there lil buckaroo, why the long face? Chin up kiddo, the bands back together. Well actually the band never broke up it's just that well we had a problem with the FBI confiscating our computers. Apparently there was some mix up with some artistic photos I took at a preschool graduation and some kiddie porn ring. Fucking pigs. Anyways, that took some time to get over. So the VCC suggested a little place where I could get away and not be judged, some place exotic. A little place called Thailand. So after relaxing a bit and tasting some untainted new fruits, I'm ready to take on your questions.

1) If a white man and a white women make a baby, it comes out whites. But if a white man and black women make a baby does it all come out black? If so, won't black people rule the world one day?

I'm going to preface this answer by saying that FDIO strongly discourages the intermingalling of races and prohibts sexual activity between black men sleeping with white woman. Not because FDIO is racist but because, if you are a young, horny girl (or just horny or just willing, actually I'm cool with you acting like your not willing but you have to sign a waiver first) and your ass gets "supermaned" then well it's gonna be hard for me to follow that. Again not cuz I ain't down with the brown, but I just don't think I can match up to Dr. J's measurements. I however can plow ladies of races and creeds as I am an equal oppurtunity lover, just trying to do my part. Back to the question, the kid is like a cup of coffee. At first he may seem really dark, but if you do a good job of raising him, which would be like pouring in the sugar to sweeten him up, aka keeping him off the chronic, not introducing hot wings until the age of 18, and teaching him to not walk in the middle of the street strolling around while I swerve to miss him. Then he will become partial white, which would make him mocha. And everybody loves a lil bit of mocha. This new light brown or dark white race will eventually take over the world b/c they will have an extra bone in their leg but like to work. Deadly huh? Yeah I know just super racist.

2) Because of her raspy voice how many packs of smokes do you think Miley Cirus is up to a day?

Contrary to the belief Miley is a very down to earth type of girl and she has never smoked a cigarette a day in her life. I know this because I'm a personal friend of hers and I'm helping her with her new mild ad campaign. Ya know the "got milk" spots? Will any the above link was a pic taken by your's truly at my house after a night of non smoking. I can say that honestly cuz had the bitch smoked what I told her to then we could have applied the "milk makeup" to her upper lip with out the crew even showing up. Cock tease whore.

3) If you could bang any chick / dude on our team who would it be and why?

Wow, really looking to make it awkward for me after all the other people find out I didn't choose them. Most people wouldn't touch this question with a 10 ft. pole, but since I actually have a 10 ft pole(in my pants)(nice), I'll touch it, and by it I mean you. So let's think about this carefully. Let's be honest, all the lady's have either felt the Wrath of Kahn (that's what I call coitus with me) or have been eye fucked by me so bad they've orgasamed. And the dudes have all had wet dreams wishing they could be me. So that leaves only 2 options. One is the obvious one, Ken. While I'm sure it would be intense, it just wouldn't be unchartered waters and being the cocksman that I am I want new and exciting. So I guess it would have to be a picture of my fave over Ken's. Now how hot is that. It's like doing yourself and not feeling it, but not the stranger. Hot huh. And you thought I was gonna turn it into to some bowl party and tie it to team unity. Fuck you perv, that's fucking creepy.

4) If your sisters boyfriend, who she eventually marries, touches your kid in an appropriate way prior to the wedding, is that considered incest?

First off by "touches your kid" do you mean my anatomically gifted member that would only be called such b/c you were being sarcastic or like my kid that I don't care about, raise, or talk to? What am I thinking, you don't know the meaning of sarcastic. Also is the kid a boy or a chick. Cuz if its a dude then it's ok cuz your sister is just marrying Jose to keep him in the country so he isn't deported and will still cut her hair. Thus fondling your english peas is just a perk he gains in the marriage, which isn't really a marriage because he's more into you. Now if the kid's a chick, then who cares cuz bitch was probably begging for it looking all sexy in her bridesmaid dress, talking all nasty with things like,"I thought you were marrying my sister," and "Don't put that there, it's not even made for wheels." If you are a person you know has been sexual abused and gives it up easily please contact me ASAP.

6) Rumor has it that managment was drunk when he made the call to bring up Male Serfess from the minors...was that true?

Hard hitting questions today. The answer is yes. The old man's liver was skull fucked 8 ways to Sunday by Mexican Lemonades when he decided to give Tiny Tim a chance. But then again the crouchity assbag is always 3 sheets to the wind anyway so don't feel so bad.

7) If a train leaves Newark going west at 78 mph and another leaves Philly at 65 mph heading toward each other, what are the odds that Jones is a closet homo?

Let's see here...these tests are racially biased...I was never good at math...carry the rubber dildo...subract chicks.....122.66666% today, but a 60% chance of rainbow flag flying by Wed.

8) Would you bang Drew Barrymoore? Why or Why not? explain.

Ouch, really picked a tweener there. If she was a basketball prospect you would say that she's really polished and will be a great contributor but will never carry a season. I would bang her when she was in Posion IVY cuz she was way slutty and I dig slutty and crazy. I would nail her in Wedding Singer cuz she was cute, moon faced but still cute. I would nail her in ET (dodges whatever you throw at the screen)because again young, slutty, and crazy, but also looked what happened to ol' ET once he finger blasted our lil pig tailed honey. That's right she's got the king midas touch only it's on her vag. I don't know about you but a solid gold dick definitely gets a lot of play.

That's it kids, uncle teddy has to go to bed early because he has an appt in court tomorrow. It's nothing to worry about as long as I can explain that i wasn't aware I was emptying GHB in her drink. ANy who, if you got good arguements send them to me via comments. Some questions that were asked 8 wks ago will get worked in for next mailbag in the yr 2356 so stay tuned. Como esa Bitches!!!!


The VCC said...

1. black people will take over the world.
2. she totally smokes
3. my choice would have been Ken too.
4. Jesus is a saint, he touches cause he cares. We're going to get place together.
6. Poor...Poor...Tim...we kid cause we love...
7. totally gay
8. i would bang Barrymore in every possible way, no hole left unfilled.

The VCC said...

yeah, i skipped 5, but so did the ass nugget who wrote the article.

TK said...

The VCC actually ghost wrote this article. He's just trying to make me look good so the boss doesn't fire me. Court sucks