April 24, 2008

TK's future Ex Wife: Sports Style

I know what you're thinking, "Why would you want to get married when have a perfectly good mattress with a hole in it?" Valid question indeed, my friend. But there comes a time in every man's life when he has to think about the future. Look at the VCC he's come a long way. I mean back in the day when he was in single A on the DL he was running thru bat boys like a fat kid with box of push up pops. But now he's married to a lovely lady and she wasn't even mail ordered. That's what being on the DL in AAA in Memphis can do for a guy. Moving on though, it's nearing summer time(aka the time of year when we hit the pool and I make Magnum PI proud by waving the summer sweater flag)and since there will be plenty of nubile, young ladies tanning at pools that I will be no where near, I figured I should go ahead and make a list of candidates to see who would be best fit.

Bachelorette #1
Yep, she sure is a looker. I know, I know she doesn't play sports but she does date a dude that's professional NBA player. I mean did date a professional NBA basketball player, because after this post hits the net and she finds out she's on the list Mr. DJ Strawberry will find himself single. That's right Sun's rookie guard and son of famous coke head Darryl Strawberry. As you can see she's not built for speed, which is good because I aint quick, most of the time...Anyway she looks like she's pretty trashy, I mean she is dating a black dude and she has no problem with druggies(see coke ref. above). Seems like a match made in heaven right. After the first month everything would be great, but then things would go down hill. She quits her job at the local gym as super busty hot chick in spandex and starts to add a few. And lets face it, if any one is going to be putting on lbs it's gonna be me. Plus now that she doesn't have a job she's at home and realizes I don' t do anything all day. So we would be kind of like Brit and Kfed but I wouldn't have a douchie chin strap beard or a shitty rap album, my love ballad album would rock. Then the next thing you know Darryl Strawberry would hang out all the time b/c he likes her titties to and has nothing else to do. This is cool at first but then he keeps stealing all my sugar and pixie sticks and snorting them plus any real drugs I have around. The only logically next step would be for us to be on Cops with a pixied up Darryl holding a gun to my sweety's head will I look on causally from the porch in my hip huggers drinking a beer. Not so much of a match, but hey at least we had a couple of minutes of fun to remember each other. I know I'll never forget that bj you gave while you masterfully jacked off the UPS guy. Ah memories...

Bachelorette #2
This young vixen is known far and wide as Tim Tebow's lady friend. There's just something about her. I don't know what it is and you're probably having trouble putting your finger on it as well, but there's something. Now here's how we would fit together. First, she would ride the baby rhino train all the way to his first huge NFL contract. Then in preseason he would blow out both knees and never play again. After this she would divorce him and take 800 mil from him that he got from Nike. Finally we could be together. Ya know what screw it. First off we all know that Tebow could never possible get hurt unless he wanted to be hurt. Secondly, I would never get over the fact that Tebow was nailing her before me. I mean how could I possible service her after she had a wild animal. Just forget this ever happened. And Timmy if you're reading this, so sorry.

Bachelorette #2 redux
That's right sugar go ahead and shake it for daddy. Ladies and Gents, Ms. Erin Andrews. This beautiful reporter is the what every sideline reporter should be, hot. Not this. I hate you Holly Rowe, you piggly whore. Back to Erin. We would be perfect together. She covers all the big college sporting events. I watch all the big college sporting events. She can do this. I can find away to help her use that talent. Match made in heaven right? Almost. Then, she said this,"And I don't see it often but I love when players lather up the SPF. There's nothing sexier than a man protecting himself from skin cancer." I mean I may not look it now but in the summer I'm like a dark George Hamilton. We were so close but no chick is gonna get between me and my tanning.

Bachelorette #3
How could being a star pole vaulter for Cal be any more sports related? It can't, especially when you're this hot. Let's go down the list and see if we are compatible. Hot, check. Cute, check. Likes sports, but is not some dikey chick that could beat me up, semi check(we know she's not a dike, but she might be able to kick my ass). Young enough that I can use my wile vet ways to trick, check. Overprotective and overbearing father that she will expect me to act like, check. She needs a place to sit and I need a hat, check. Rich family from Laguna Beach that will loath me because I do nothing but waste their family fortune that they have spent generations building all because I have a penchant for hookers, fast cars, and drugs, check. I think we did it. I think we found the one. Ok now all I have to do is get to Cali bra so how's about lending me some cash so me and the mrs. can meet up? Well fuck you very much asshole. Guess I'll just have to go back to the bars of Memphis and wade thru the likes of T. McGee. Which by the way, is a huge disappointment.

1 comment:

The VCC said...

So these are either athletes or related/dating athletes?


I'd have to go with Avril. Done.