February 19, 2008

The truth and nothing but

Hey der! I wanted to thank all you for coming out to hears my side of the story. There's been a lot of rumors going around about the events following that nut crazy ending to the UM/UAB game and I'm here to set it straight. Many of you know me as Pierre Niles, fun loving big man of the Memphis Tigers who looks a lot like The Fridge. However to understand that fateful night I have to give you a bit of history about myself. You may have seen me off the court in a beautiful place where the hot mustard flows like a river. Where the fries are always supersized, and your buns are warmed by heat lamp. Thats right, a lil place called McDonaldland.

In McDonaldland I feel at home. I roam the hamburger fields and pluck as many of my pretties as my sausage link fingers can hold. In my native land I go by the name Grimace. I'm mostly known as well-meaning simpleton who only eats burgers and says Duh. As a youth I was blinded by my love for burgers and tended to dabble on the wild. At first I started to hang out with Captain Crook and the Fry Guys. Things started out innocently enough with a little pilfering of the Hamburger Patch, but the next thing you know I was giving blumpkins to this crazy clown for a tiny taste of the delicious cheese and meat treat. That's when I met a man who helped me turn my life around. A man who speaks the truth and is always willing to do what is right. That man is no other than Mayor McCheese.

The wise old mayor told me that if I would show up for practice, weigh less than 500lbs, and occasionally pull down a board, then he would feed me the all cheesy delights that I so savored. Of course I took this stupendous offer.

All of this leads us to the night of 2/16/2008 in Birmingham. It was a long night. The crowd was hurling insults like Isaiah Washington at gay pride parade. We were losing and my blood pressure was dangerously low. If we didn't win, then there was no way Mayor McCheese was gonna make it rain with my mouth watering meals. In the last minute, I grabbed CDR and threatened to make his anus my personal finger puppet if he didn't win the game. As he completed the 3 point play. I could almost taste the processed patties on my lips. The mayor had already put the order in for 6 palates of cheeseburgers, when the unthinkable happened. These damn Blazers claimed to have made a last second shot to win. Luckily this claim was erroneous. Soon I would be wading in cheeseburger paradise. On the way off the court, the mayor was kind enough to give me a to go basket of my spoils. However my path was impeded by escaped convict with a total disregard for sleeves and deodorant. I knew this man from my dark and seedy past. He was the Hamburglar.

The hamburglar was supposed to be serving 10-15 yrs for turning Birdie the early bird's anus inside out. But he obviously anticipated meeting up with me in hopes of lifting some of my cheesy delights. He was just as I remembered him to be. He still had an intense stutter and rank odor. He also seemed to be hopped up on pepper jack cheese at the time. I knew what he wanted and that he would do anything to get my burgers. So he left me no choice but to offer up my best Heisman. So I beg of you all not to judge me as man who possibly layed down an open hand slap on another, but as a poorly formed purple triangular blob who was protecting the very thing that gave me the desire to live.


The VCC said...


Touched by an Uncle said...

All I can say is WOW Awfully creative Teddy, when did you start smoking weed again.

Touched by an Uncle said...

He reminds me of a brontosarus minus the neck