February 22, 2008

Getting it on TN style

It's time. Finally, after all these CUSA beatdowns and craptacular SEC games we have the biggest show in the FEDEX Forum since that cock tease Hannah Montana strutted her jail bait ass across the stage in December (so what if I went and took my niece, her friends and some wine coolers, dont judge me). So unless you car jack people in the concrete jungle that is Memphis or bang your sister in the beautiful city of Knoxville, you may not know or care who is going to win (if you don't care then you're probably some eye makeup wearing jackass whose mommy didn't love him enough, but the VCC's childhood is a different story for another time). We're gonna break down the teams, coaches, fans and everything else so you don't have to listen to Skip Bayless do it.

COACHES

This is definitely a tough call here. You have two heavy hitters of the "I've never won a championship" fraternity. In one corner you have John Vincent Calipari aka Mayor McCheese aka Coach Cal. This is one smooth mama jama. Coach Cal don't take no shit from nobody. When he was coaching at the basketball mecca that is Umass, he almost had a battle royale with Temple coach John Cheaney. Cheaney went batshit crazy and charged at Cal. Did Cal back down? Hell no! He kept taunting that old bastard will casually slipping on a pair of brass knuckles to knock that prick's dentures out. However Cal normally doesn't use the physical tactics himself. He just calls up some of his guido boys to rough people up. Look at the man he's definitely connected. Slick hair, pinstripe suit, driving around in his Porsche. I aint sayin anything, I'm just sayin. As far as coaching ability, he's got his players' asses wound so tight you couldn't stick a needle up there. If they make a mistake he yanks them faster then me while watching high school musical. But he's made up for it by letting them freelance on offense. In the other corner you have Bruce Pearl Necklace. He's like the ying to Cal's yang. While Cal has mobster like image, Pearl is a wiring wearing weasel. In '89 he was an asst coach at Iowa and taped a phone conversation bt him and a high school recruit, Deon Thomas, who had committed to Illinois. He asked Thomas if he was given a SUV and cash for going to Illinois to which Thomas said yes. The NCAA found no wrong doing other than Pearl offering phone sex to Thomas. Pearl's a likable guy that is recently divorced and has been tearing thru UT's poon like the Koolaid man thru a wall. If that doesn't get cool points I don't know what does. Oh yeah he's a pretty good coach. He took UMW to the sweet 16. Oh yeah and when things get tough he's got the whole "eye of the jew" thing going for him.

With all this considered, I think I give the edge to Pearl. Cal is just to smooth. I can't really trust him. I mean he pulls up in his Porsche, sweeps you off your feet to a fancy Italian joint where some dude plays a violin while the coach whispers sweet nothings to you with his hand on your thigh. All the while he knows your panties are wetter than the VCC's bed after a nightmare. Once back to the Porsche he unzips his pants and you comply with the road head b/c you really like him, he expects it, and dinner was expensive. Then he never calls. You see him out and confront him about it, but he said he left you 5 msgs and then all his buddies laugh. Pearl on the other hand picks you up in a volvo, safe and reliable. He takes you back to his place where he has made a nutritional meal. After that you guys make some popcorn and pop in the Steel Magnolia's DVD he rented. He even cries at the parts you cry at! Since it's late you stay over. However he insists on cuddling even though you're ready to receive it 8 different ways, you're such a slut. In the morning he's made you breakfast and has planned a whole day of antiquing. Such a softie.



UT 1 UM 0

School Colors

Since UT won the coaching duel so they get the honors. Orange and white. Hmmmmmm. Are you fucking kidding me. This is gonna be real quick and simple. Stay with me here cuz I’m gonna break it down in a equation. Orange = Fruit. Fruit = Gay. Therefore Orange = Gay. Got it? Oh yeah white. Why’s it gotta be white yo? You some sort of racist? White + Orange = Racist Homos.

On to Memphis’ colors, which are blue and gray. Have you people ever heard of a little something called Blue Steel? Yeah that’s right I covered both colors in one kick ass look. What’s that? Steel isn’t gray? Fuck you then I’ll do gray on its own. Gray is the in between area that no one can define not quite black not quite white. Like the difference between slapping your girlfriend and merely telling you love her, that difference my friend is gray. Advantage Memphis




UM 1 UT 1


FAMOUS ALUMNI

UT has had several

Deanna Kay Carter- Straaaawwwwberry Wiiiiiiiine!!!!!
Robin Hood- I shit you not. Apparently not the guy who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
Paige Braddock- Some lady who wrote the comic strip “Jane’s World” which totally sucked. You suck lady.
Dixie V. Carter- She was on Designing Women and I may or may not have fired a couple of rounds of to her in a desperate time in my life. No doubt the V stands VD, slut.
Parker Overall- On Empty nest, the one with the weird voice
Chamique Holdsclaw – WNBA player who is squirrel shit nutty and quit a while for depression. I’d be depressed to if I was a flat chested chick who played a man’s sport in a floundering league
Phil Fulmer- First man ever to be pregnant with twins
Willie Gault- Bad ass on Tecmo bowl
Pat Sumitt- This dude has been dominating women’s basketball since the beginning of time.
Reggie White- Bad mothafucka
Peyton Manning- His brother won the Super Bowl
Allan Houston- Son of Wade and overpaid ex Knick
There’s more government leaders, business moguls and intellectuals but if you’re reading this you wouldn’t care. Also 6 Rhodes scholars.

Memphis

Fred Thompson- Senator but he got a lot of ass for being in movies and TV shows
Anfernee Hardaway- Not as cool as Billy Smith
Lil Penny- Cooler than Penny
Deangelo Williams- Ghetto Angel
Larry O. Finch- Not touching it with a 10 ft. pole aka my cock
Todd Adams- Owner of Newbys(seriously this shit was on wikipedia for famous alumni) and a chatty fucking Kathy
Martin Belz- Owns Memphis
William C. Rhodes III- Autozone CEO and rich dude

While UT has more, they have a lot more that blow. It was gonna be a wash but I look up and I see that bitch Paige Braddock and I think about the shitty as comic strip and I just see red. I hate you Paige Braddock and I hope every time you eat you taste rotten semen. Bitch! Edge Memphis

UM 2 UT 1


Players

Memphis

The tigers trot out one of the best and deepest teams in the nation. Alls I gots to say is CDR. There is nothing smooth about this man’s game but it is incredibly efficient. He’s very herky jerky, but he’s shooting 54% from the floor and over 36% from downtown. Plus it’s highly unlikely he’ll end up on the police blotter. Rose is crazy quick and a great praclayer unless he’s playing against UAB. Andre Allen wears a skirt and gets away with it. Dorsey is really scary. Dozier could be great if he would fulfill his potential and stay away from his ex. Doneal Mack has great hair. Antonio Anderson has great alliteration in his name. Niles is the largest man alive. And then there is Chance McGrady. He’s terribly lost and twice as stoned as his cuz Tmac.

UT

I don’t know a lot about them and I’m not going to look anything up, so take what I say as gospel. First off is Lofton. He’s had a bad year according to last year. He’s short, pudgy but deadly accurate. However I think if you put a 6’6 athlete on him he’s screwed. Then there’s Prince(yeah he has a first name but why not just go by Prince) who is kind of a bitch. Highly recruited, goes to AZ and doesn’t do anything. Has surgery, goes into a coma, loses weight, whines, transfers to UT. A guy like this, from Memphis, could go off, but I would just talk shit to him about going into a comma. Then there’s that Iowa transfer whose dad died came to UT and offers a low post game. He could Dorsey in foul trouble and then you got a game. Then there’s Chism, stud last yr, not so much this year. Soph slump? Ehh. He’ll be up to face his boy Willie Kemp. Speaking of Kemp, that guy looks like a bother you would see in the 70’s with a feather in his hat. Plus how square can one man’s face be?

CDR’s the trump card. Unless the Vols can plant an Asian honey with a case of the clap in his room(I hear CDR has a case of the yellow fever, but who doesn’t), then UT’s fucked. Point Memphis


UM 3 UT 1



Bands


UT

If you actually made it this far in the post then pay attn. Go get a gun and shoot yourself in the leg. Not a Sean Taylor shot but a flesh wound. Still here…great another winner living in his parent’s basement. Anyway, I got nothing good to say about UT’s band. I mean come on you’re in the mountains, how bout putting 50 banjoes in there, a section of washboards, and about 20 dudes making fart sounds with their armpits. Yeah it may not rival Juilliard but it’s something that represents the town. Instead UT brings out a bunch of sexual repressed McLovins 30 fat chicks rocking out to the same ole song. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that bad a song until you’ve heard 50 times in 12 mins.

Memphis

It’s pretty much the same thing as the UT band minus the rocky top. The thing that might actually top UT’s band is the fact that they used to play Whoop that Trick. Seriously what’s more intimidating Rocky Top or Whoop that trick Get’em. Advantage Memphis

UM 3.5 UT 1

5 comments:

The VCC said...

Ted King is a fucking chatty cathy.

Touched by an Uncle said...

I bet Hannah Montana could beat up Miley. I bet they both swallow. More wine coolers please!!

Touched by an Uncle said...

14 pushing it dude

The VCC said...

...so can she stand on her own yet?...

Touched by an Uncle said...

If there is grass on the field, play ball, if not, turn her over and play in the mudd