Famous Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, once said,"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears." Are you fucking kidding me? Bullshit! Apparently Aurelius can conquer entire civilizations, but this asshat never played kick ball.
First lets check in with the IR. Missing in action this week was Derek and Krystal. If you remember from last week, and you do because you have nothing more exciting going on in your life(you're such a fucking loser), Derek was out with a torn uh something. We don't know how his something is doing, but I bet it's really pink. Anyway we are growing quite concerned with this situation and have tried to get him put on a milk carton. However, this is not 1952 and missing kids are put on milk cartons. I don't think they even make cartons for milk any more, just smokes. So Derek, if you're out there, we miss you, we're worried that your torn something could be worse than once thought. Just call buddy, even if it's to let us know you're never coming back. Next is Krystal's skinned knees. She was also a no show even though the VCC brought his knee pads for her. Wait a second is it possible the VCC has kidnapped these two and forced them into a hole in the basement where he makes them rub lotion on each other, while he parades around in women's clothes. Nah, they both have dark hair and he's totally into an Aryan nation. Fucking Nazi. No up date on Krystal. Jones' ankle was a source of concern. Good news is that his ankle held up. Bad news is that he seems to bleed like a stuck pig each week. Worse news, he has aids. Full Blown AIDS! Just kidding, but seriously if you came into contact with his new you may want to get tested.
Now on to the new injuries. It seems as though our highly sophisticated stretching regimen of drinking beer and smoking cigarettes is not helping quads. And it looks perfect on paper, who woulda thunk it? Anyway, after legging one out at first, the lovely Tara The Terminator Scully seemed to come up in a bit of pain. The culprit... a fucking quad. Fuck quads. It's like a gerbil in the ass. Everybody thinks it no big deal and funny but after a while it fucking hurts (don't you judge me). Scully got a runner to take her place on the paths but her spirit was missed. Tara is day to day at this point with a strong possibility of being minute to minute. Next up is my esteemed colleague in the outfield. That's right the center field color commentator hurt herself as well. The official origin of the injury is unknown but it is another quad. Two schools of thought exist here. One, she hurt it while chasing down a pop fly in the outfield. The other is that she hurt while flexing her leg to catch the attn of cup ranger. I can't blame her the dude does make $10 an hour.
Last injury of the day happened to yours truly. Yes I know, my body is holding up like paper mache in the rain. But this time it wasn't this my doughy build that failed me. Nay, it was my pride. It took a major hit when I missed the ball. Yeah I know. Fuck you. That's it. Remember ice for 30 mins, heat forever, and stay the fuck out of the med. Oh and remember to tip your drug dealer.
*Side note* No gerbils were harmed in the making of this post, but there's still hope.