You get the fuck out of town.

It's sort of been a trend of late in this town, and by trend, i mean the last two years, to say that the Grizzlies are horrible and they are wanting out of this city. While it is true tickets sales are atrocious and our recored looks more like the ratio of chicks to dudes TK has banged (14 chicks - 43 dudes) in his lifetime, but the Grizzlies aren't going anywhere. Not any time soon that is.

"The NBA is very much committed to the Memphis market," he said. "There is absolutely no truth to any rumors that the team is leaving Memphis."
- Joel Litvin, president of NBA basketball operations

As with any franchise in the professional market, there are highs and lows. Without much research, we are in a low. Real low. But I don't blame the city for the stance we have taken. Who wants to cheer for the shit stain of the NBA?

Lets take a brief look at some of the obstacles that would have to be taken to uproot this franshise, tuck tail and run.

- Team Lease - There's a separate non-relocation agreement, for starters, stating that "during the first 10" seasons in FedExForum, the team "shall not relocate from the City of Memphis."

- Starting in year 10 -- which is a full six years from now -- the team can move only if certain ticket and suite sales minimums are not met. Even then, the city and county have the right to step in and buy enough tickets or suites to meet the minimums.

- Any out-of-town buyer would also have to pay off the debt service on FedExForum, a number that doesn't dip below $100 million until 2015. And the buyer would have to pay back FedEx for a portion of the naming rights. And the buyer would have to get the NBA's approval and pay the NBA's relocation fee, which would surely be a good deal more than the $25 million the Grizzlies had to pay to leave Vancouver.

With all these being said, it doesn't make it any easier to be a fan. I'm sure the team wants to win as bad as the remaining fans want them too. They are just young. The coach is young (in terms of head coaching experience). But won't it taste that much sweeter when that franchise finally makes the turn for the better. Come on Memphis and go Grizz!

The Future

Should make for a great offseason by DA BEARS!

Excellent

Thanks to the folks over at With Leather for posting this fantastic picture.

Romo,
Wait till you get home to masturbate furiously.

Rough Time to be wearing Beale Street Blue

Its a tough time to be a Grizzlies Fan. I've alway been one of those fans who believed you stick with your team through ups and the downs. That the game itself is bigger than how they perform. I've always told myself that Memphis is lucky for landing an NBA franchise and that we should embrace it and hope that one day, even though we are a small market team we would catch on and be the new San Antonia Spurs. I know, thats stretching it, plus we don't have the human thumb thats is Duncan. But times are tough for a Grizzlies fan. Its not even the fact that we are 14-98, thats not what chaps me. What it basically boils down to is that the Grizzlies have not given me anything to be a fan of. Just looking at the past two years, they trade away the one guy that this city unanimously embraced in Shane Battier, which seemed awful at the time, but we were able to gain another crowd favorite in the process with Rudy Gay. But then there was a period of talk where ownership wanted out and put the team up for sale. Only 1 offer came and went, finally fizzled out due to lack of money. Veterans came and went, our team then became the 2nd youngest in the league. Hubie Brown came, at least took the team to the playoffs for several years, had heart issues and had to step down. That ushered in the Czar error. He never really caught on in the city, so he was quickly ran out of town. Then on an interim basis, we saw one Tony Baroni Sr take the reigns.....thanks, but... next!. Finally, we landed a coach with some promise, he is still in his first year, but not producing very well but who could blame him. The roster he started out with this year looks nothing like the one we have now. Stoudimire and Swift are gone, and then there was that whole "stick a knife and twist" trade of Pau Gasol. But hey, at least we got the draft rights to his brother. Fucking owners. Then to make matters worse, this city has a high grade Tiger fever. Right now if you mention the words "Forum" or "Basketball", the Grizzlies are the farthest from their mind. I'm not hating on the Tigers, I'm one of the guilty too. I've let my Grizzlies take a back seat to the Tigers this season. I'll be honest, since the trade of Pau, I've maybe watched 2 games.

But...keep your chin up Grizzlies fans, there will be better days, there has to be right?

Getting it on TN style

It's time. Finally, after all these CUSA beatdowns and craptacular SEC games we have the biggest show in the FEDEX Forum since that cock tease Hannah Montana strutted her jail bait ass across the stage in December (so what if I went and took my niece, her friends and some wine coolers, dont judge me). So unless you car jack people in the concrete jungle that is Memphis or bang your sister in the beautiful city of Knoxville, you may not know or care who is going to win (if you don't care then you're probably some eye makeup wearing jackass whose mommy didn't love him enough, but the VCC's childhood is a different story for another time). We're gonna break down the teams, coaches, fans and everything else so you don't have to listen to Skip Bayless do it.

COACHES

This is definitely a tough call here. You have two heavy hitters of the "I've never won a championship" fraternity. In one corner you have John Vincent Calipari aka Mayor McCheese aka Coach Cal. This is one smooth mama jama. Coach Cal don't take no shit from nobody. When he was coaching at the basketball mecca that is Umass, he almost had a battle royale with Temple coach John Cheaney. Cheaney went batshit crazy and charged at Cal. Did Cal back down? Hell no! He kept taunting that old bastard will casually slipping on a pair of brass knuckles to knock that prick's dentures out. However Cal normally doesn't use the physical tactics himself. He just calls up some of his guido boys to rough people up. Look at the man he's definitely connected. Slick hair, pinstripe suit, driving around in his Porsche. I aint sayin anything, I'm just sayin. As far as coaching ability, he's got his players' asses wound so tight you couldn't stick a needle up there. If they make a mistake he yanks them faster then me while watching high school musical. But he's made up for it by letting them freelance on offense. In the other corner you have Bruce Pearl Necklace. He's like the ying to Cal's yang. While Cal has mobster like image, Pearl is a wiring wearing weasel. In '89 he was an asst coach at Iowa and taped a phone conversation bt him and a high school recruit, Deon Thomas, who had committed to Illinois. He asked Thomas if he was given a SUV and cash for going to Illinois to which Thomas said yes. The NCAA found no wrong doing other than Pearl offering phone sex to Thomas. Pearl's a likable guy that is recently divorced and has been tearing thru UT's poon like the Koolaid man thru a wall. If that doesn't get cool points I don't know what does. Oh yeah he's a pretty good coach. He took UMW to the sweet 16. Oh yeah and when things get tough he's got the whole "eye of the jew" thing going for him.

With all this considered, I think I give the edge to Pearl. Cal is just to smooth. I can't really trust him. I mean he pulls up in his Porsche, sweeps you off your feet to a fancy Italian joint where some dude plays a violin while the coach whispers sweet nothings to you with his hand on your thigh. All the while he knows your panties are wetter than the VCC's bed after a nightmare. Once back to the Porsche he unzips his pants and you comply with the road head b/c you really like him, he expects it, and dinner was expensive. Then he never calls. You see him out and confront him about it, but he said he left you 5 msgs and then all his buddies laugh. Pearl on the other hand picks you up in a volvo, safe and reliable. He takes you back to his place where he has made a nutritional meal. After that you guys make some popcorn and pop in the Steel Magnolia's DVD he rented. He even cries at the parts you cry at! Since it's late you stay over. However he insists on cuddling even though you're ready to receive it 8 different ways, you're such a slut. In the morning he's made you breakfast and has planned a whole day of antiquing. Such a softie.


UT 1 UM 0

School Colors

Since UT won the coaching duel so they get the honors. Orange and white. Hmmmmmm. Are you fucking kidding me. This is gonna be real quick and simple. Stay with me here cuz I’m gonna break it down in a equation. Orange = Fruit. Fruit = Gay. Therefore Orange = Gay. Got it? Oh yeah white. Why’s it gotta be white yo? You some sort of racist? White + Orange = Racist Homos.

On to Memphis’ colors, which are blue and gray. Have you people ever heard of a little something called Blue Steel? Yeah that’s right I covered both colors in one kick ass look. What’s that? Steel isn’t gray? Fuck you then I’ll do gray on its own. Gray is the in between area that no one can define not quite black not quite white. Like the difference between slapping your girlfriend and merely telling you love her, that difference my friend is gray. Advantage Memphis




UM 1 UT 1


FAMOUS ALUMNI

UT has had several

Deanna Kay Carter- Straaaawwwwberry Wiiiiiiiine!!!!!
Robin Hood- I shit you not. Apparently not the guy who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
Paige Braddock- Some lady who wrote the comic strip “Jane’s World” which totally sucked. You suck lady.
Dixie V. Carter- She was on Designing Women and I may or may not have fired a couple of rounds of to her in a desperate time in my life. No doubt the V stands VD, slut.
Parker Overall- On Empty nest, the one with the weird voice
Chamique Holdsclaw – WNBA player who is squirrel shit nutty and quit a while for depression. I’d be depressed to if I was a flat chested chick who played a man’s sport in a floundering league
Phil Fulmer- First man ever to be pregnant with twins
Willie Gault- Bad ass on Tecmo bowl
Pat Sumitt- This dude has been dominating women’s basketball since the beginning of time.
Reggie White- Bad mothafucka
Peyton Manning- His brother won the Super Bowl
Allan Houston- Son of Wade and overpaid ex Knick
There’s more government leaders, business moguls and intellectuals but if you’re reading this you wouldn’t care. Also 6 Rhodes scholars.

Memphis

Fred Thompson- Senator but he got a lot of ass for being in movies and TV shows
Anfernee Hardaway- Not as cool as Billy Smith
Lil Penny- Cooler than Penny
Deangelo Williams- Ghetto Angel
Larry O. Finch- Not touching it with a 10 ft. pole aka my cock
Todd Adams- Owner of Newbys(seriously this shit was on wikipedia for famous alumni) and a chatty fucking Kathy
Martin Belz- Owns Memphis
William C. Rhodes III- Autozone CEO and rich dude

While UT has more, they have a lot more that blow. It was gonna be a wash but I look up and I see that bitch Paige Braddock and I think about the shitty as comic strip and I just see red. I hate you Paige Braddock and I hope every time you eat you taste rotten semen. Bitch! Edge Memphis

UM 2 UT 1


Players

Memphis

The tigers trot out one of the best and deepest teams in the nation. Alls I gots to say is CDR. There is nothing smooth about this man’s game but it is incredibly efficient. He’s very herky jerky, but he’s shooting 54% from the floor and over 36% from downtown. Plus it’s highly unlikely he’ll end up on the police blotter. Rose is crazy quick and a great praclayer unless he’s playing against UAB. Andre Allen wears a skirt and gets away with it. Dorsey is really scary. Dozier could be great if he would fulfill his potential and stay away from his ex. Doneal Mack has great hair. Antonio Anderson has great alliteration in his name. Niles is the largest man alive. And then there is Chance McGrady. He’s terribly lost and twice as stoned as his cuz Tmac.

UT

I don’t know a lot about them and I’m not going to look anything up, so take what I say as gospel. First off is Lofton. He’s had a bad year according to last year. He’s short, pudgy but deadly accurate. However I think if you put a 6’6 athlete on him he’s screwed. Then there’s Prince(yeah he has a first name but why not just go by Prince) who is kind of a bitch. Highly recruited, goes to AZ and doesn’t do anything. Has surgery, goes into a coma, loses weight, whines, transfers to UT. A guy like this, from Memphis, could go off, but I would just talk shit to him about going into a comma. Then there’s that Iowa transfer whose dad died came to UT and offers a low post game. He could Dorsey in foul trouble and then you got a game. Then there’s Chism, stud last yr, not so much this year. Soph slump? Ehh. He’ll be up to face his boy Willie Kemp. Speaking of Kemp, that guy looks like a bother you would see in the 70’s with a feather in his hat. Plus how square can one man’s face be?

CDR’s the trump card. Unless the Vols can plant an Asian honey with a case of the clap in his room(I hear CDR has a case of the yellow fever, but who doesn’t), then UT’s fucked. Point Memphis


UM 3 UT 1


Bands

UT

If you actually made it this far in the post then pay attn. Go get a gun and shoot yourself in the leg. Not a Sean Taylor shot but a flesh wound. Still here…great another winner living in his parent’s basement. Anyway, I got nothing good to say about UT’s band. I mean come on you’re in the mountains, how bout putting 50 banjoes in there, a section of washboards, and about 20 dudes making fart sounds with their armpits. Yeah it may not rival Juilliard but it’s something that represents the town. Instead UT brings out a bunch of sexual repressed McLovins 30 fat chicks rocking out to the same ole song. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that bad a song until you’ve heard 50 times in 12 mins.

Memphis

It’s pretty much the same thing as the UT band minus the rocky top. The thing that might actually top UT’s band is the fact that they used to play Whoop that Trick. Seriously what’s more intimidating Rocky Top or Whoop that trick Get’em. Advantage Memphis

UM 3.5 UT 1

Coaching Kids

One of the benefits of having an NBA franchise in your
hometown, is the long arm of the outreach and charitable
foundations that the NBA possesses. This past week, we were
able to catch up with Coach Ivaroni who has graciously agreed
to answer some questions from the students at Central Elementary. To help introduce communication skills to these children at a young
age, they were asked to go home, generate some questions with
their parents and each return with a question for Coach
Ivaroni.


Melissa (age 6): Mr. Idaromi, I was wondering if you like it
when your players score lots of points?

Coach: Excellent question Ms. Melissa. Yes, I do enjoy when
my players score lots of points. A well played defense is also
important in having a well rounded team. In the NBA you have to
try and find a happy medium between offense and defense, but
winning isn't everything, as long as you give a 110%. Great
question Melissa. Next question.


Timmy (age 6 1/2): Coach Isaroni, do you have a favorite player on your team?

Coach: Timmy, I do my best to treat each member on our team
equally. Sure there are some players who need more guidance on
and off the court then others, but myself with the help of the
veteran players help lead these players down the right path.
Next question.


Joseph (age 6): Why did you trade Pau Gasol away?

Coach: Actually Joseph, i had nothing to do with the trade of Gasol or the trade of any of our players. There are people,
who are my bosses who make those decisions on which players are on the team.


Elizabeth (age 5): [reading from card] Mr. Ivaroni, with 52 games under your belt, and a record of 14-38, do you regret your decision to come to Memphis especially with the trade of Pau to the Lakers and the trade of Shaq to your former team?
Do you wish you could hide you head in your own ass?

Coach: Ummmm.....That is a very grown up remark Elizabeth. I'm
not able to say with a 100% certainty that I would prefer one
over the other. Sort of like how your dad is not a 100% sure
you are his daughter. From what i hear your mom only charges $3 for Smokey in the Ass Bandit. Next question.



Richard (age 6): [reading from card] Dear Coach, My mom says she feels sorry for you inheriting a team that has a history of management issues and unsatisfied players, but my Dad says you weren't ready for the leap to an NBA Head Coach and should be tarred and feather, then release in the common grounds out at the penal farm.

Coach: Well Dick......let me see your little card here.

[Takes card and writes the following]
"Dear Dicks Dad,
I thank you for your question that you son Richard read in front of the class today. I would like to extend to you my foot which I plan to stick in your ass sideways as soon as I leave your bastard son's god forsaken class room. My suggestion, get a better job, pay for private school. From what I can tell, the kids in this room, including your son, are 8 shades of retarded. Each one of them needs special care, a special parking permit and personal care for the rest of there life’s.

Thanks,
Coach Ivaroni."


Coach: Ok kids, thanks for questions, I had a great time. Tell your parents they each get a complimentary ticket to side of my cock.

The truth and nothing but

Hey der! I wanted to thank all you for coming out to hears my side of the story. There's been a lot of rumors going around about the events following that nut crazy ending to the UM/UAB game and I'm here to set it straight. Many of you know me as Pierre Niles, fun loving big man of the Memphis Tigers who looks a lot like The Fridge. However to understand that fateful night I have to give you a bit of history about myself. You may have seen me off the court in a beautiful place where the hot mustard flows like a river. Where the fries are always supersized, and your buns are warmed by heat lamp. Thats right, a lil place called McDonaldland.

In McDonaldland I feel at home. I roam the hamburger fields and pluck as many of my pretties as my sausage link fingers can hold. In my native land I go by the name Grimace. I'm mostly known as well-meaning simpleton who only eats burgers and says Duh. As a youth I was blinded by my love for burgers and tended to dabble on the wild. At first I started to hang out with Captain Crook and the Fry Guys. Things started out innocently enough with a little pilfering of the Hamburger Patch, but the next thing you know I was giving blumpkins to this crazy clown for a tiny taste of the delicious cheese and meat treat. That's when I met a man who helped me turn my life around. A man who speaks the truth and is always willing to do what is right. That man is no other than Mayor McCheese.



The wise old mayor told me that if I would show up for practice, weigh less than 500lbs, and occasionally pull down a board, then he would feed me the all cheesy delights that I so savored. Of course I took this stupendous offer.

All of this leads us to the night of 2/16/2008 in Birmingham. It was a long night. The crowd was hurling insults like Isaiah Washington at gay pride parade. We were losing and my blood pressure was dangerously low. If we didn't win, then there was no way Mayor McCheese was gonna make it rain with my mouth watering meals. In the last minute, I grabbed CDR and threatened to make his anus my personal finger puppet if he didn't win the game. As he completed the 3 point play. I could almost taste the processed patties on my lips. The mayor had already put the order in for 6 palates of cheeseburgers, when the unthinkable happened. These damn Blazers claimed to have made a last second shot to win. Luckily this claim was erroneous. Soon I would be wading in cheeseburger paradise. On the way off the court, the mayor was kind enough to give me a to go basket of my spoils. However my path was impeded by escaped convict with a total disregard for sleeves and deodorant. I knew this man from my dark and seedy past. He was the Hamburglar.




The hamburglar was supposed to be serving 10-15 yrs for turning Birdie the early bird's anus inside out. But he obviously anticipated meeting up with me in hopes of lifting some of my cheesy delights. He was just as I remembered him to be. He still had an intense stutter and rank odor. He also seemed to be hopped up on pepper jack cheese at the time. I knew what he wanted and that he would do anything to get my burgers. So he left me no choice but to offer up my best Heisman. So I beg of you all not to judge me as man who possibly layed down an open hand slap on another, but as a poorly formed purple triangular blob who was protecting the very thing that gave me the desire to live.

Buckets for Mayor

Tigers Preview:

I’m a newbie to this whole blog thing so bare with me. Before I go down the path of telling you how I think the Tigers are going to kick the Vol’s asses this weekend, let’s get one thing straight. You can’t be a Tiger basketball fan and a Tennessee football fan. You either bleed blue or you don’t. These guys that try to explain why they like the Vol’s for one sport are full of shit. Ok, back to the game. No, wait. F the Vols. Ok, both of these schools play the same style, pull and go. If the Tigers can stop the outside shot then they have a big advantage in the middle. I’m so tired of hearing the FT (58%) story. Who cares. Tigers are one of the best offensive rebounding teams in the nation and can play a little defense (3^rd in FG% defense), so that makes up for it. Put a 6’6 guy on Lofton and advantage Tigers, plus the Forum will be rocking. I know CUSA is lame as hell but the SEC isn’t the power conference that it usually is. Shit, they only got 2 teams in the top 25. Oh well, Tigers by 10.

Notes:

• Next for Tigers: @Tulane – 2/20, CSTV. Tigers cover.

• Upset of the week: 2/20, North Carolina @ NC State.

Rhino Balls Told Me To..

"Yes, that is correct Mr. Grizzlies Fan, my rhino balls are huge. Prior to the events that have transpired in the past several weeks, I found myself laying in bed trying to fathom a way to pull the trigger on the Gasol deal. I'm not going to lie to you; I lost some sleep over it. Do you know what it’s like to slip into your trap door jammies made from the tears collected off the floor of the Forum and not be able to get a solid nights rest? No, I didn't think so! But it was then, in one of the sleepless nights that it hit me, I’ll just use god’s ginormous gift. I gritted my teeth, grabbed my love muscle, rolled over gave Mr. Kupchak a pat on the ass and said, ‘Lets do it.’"

Gettin Dat Fo Sho

It’s been like a month and half since we decided to try this whole blog craze thing out. Myself and Teddy King discuss topics from time to time that we have read on sports blogs or Memphis sites and after about 6-7 beers a piece one afternoon at Patrick’s (local bar where the average age is 72, dinner starts at 3pm, but $1.50 draft beers all the time, shit, around 6pm in the afternoon, some of that oldness starts to look pretty good, right? I just threw up a little), we decided, "What the shit...lets do it." Will do a site, like there isn't a fucking'nough of them, we'll name it something sports related with a bit of a Memphis twist. We'll write about sporting related issues that entertain us, throw is some Bluff City related content, a few gay/dick/ass jokes and make fun of the Grizzlies a bit. Hell...to make it easier and less time consuming, we'll get a few other suckers and make them write about crap no one else cares about. Shit, at the very least it will fill the site with more content and take some of the pressure of me and free up more time for Ted to gobble cock. So, what name did we come up with, "Face Down in Oprah". I know right, has nothing to do with sports or Memphis, except the fact that there is a small, very tiny, link between the fact Oprah is some-what black and Memphis is a 97.73% black city. That’s it. We tossed around some other names, like Stuart Scotts Lazy Eye (taken), 2 Tards and a Pencil (still like it), Assless Chaps, Frisky Fisting and there were others. We always strayed away from Sports/Memphis name and it always ended with "2 Fists Deep in Ass" or something that included moms and in some cases dads. But, basically it got to the point where no one was making any decisions and it looked like our site was going to die before it even got started. So today, I just said fuck it and registered the site with intensions of customizing it this weekend. That will happen. If you do happen to check between now and Monday, guess what, its probably going to look the same.


So, until we actually get up and start writing this is all just an elaborate test message.


Test...Test....